Sam and Robbie sat in the lounge chairs beside the pool at the Y, closely watching Lily in her swimming class. Lily was loving the class and the friends that she had made. She couldn't wait each day to leave for her class and practically shoved Sam out the door to get there early. Lily loved to get there early and spend time with her new friends before the class got started. She was blossoming right in front of their eyes and Sam was learning new lessons each day as well. Robbie had settled into the role of grandmother with a sense of ease now, accepting Lily as her grandchild completely. She was able to spoil Lily in ways she had never dreamed of spoiling her own children, because she had learned from Sam how to let go and feel free to love her completely. Free, from the confining walls of angry outbursts always closeby.
Robbie had lost her way in dealing with her children early in the game, and had lost out on the love she had to give them as well, it was all pent up inside of her. She had spent all of her time and energy trying to find ways to keep the one child happy, so he wouldn't take out his anger on his siblings or them. A mistake she could see clearly now. She and Luke had spent many hours lately, talking about the battle they had fought for so long, the battle named Jake. Trying so hard to love him through all of his tantrums and bullying, they had let the other two drift away on their own, at an early age. Tim's refusal to come home for a visit during his college years, should have told them years before, they had created a monster and would reap the burdens of that creation, for years to come. But the mistakes had already been made and now they could only work at it, one day at a time. Luke had been forced by Jake, to put his name back on the account through fear of him, not realizing that he would take all the money to pay gambling debts. When Luke had discovered how far Jake had gone, he realized that he couldn't continue along the same path with Jake, no matter how mad he got.
Luke had made the discovery by accident. He had gone to the ATM to get some cash out and was denied access. It was early in the day, so Luke went into the bank to see what was wrong with his card. Once inside, he was appalled to find that Jake had emptied the account, completely. It was overdrawn by a huge amount, which was illegal as well as devastating. Luke and his longtime friend, Ted Royal, the bank manager, replaced the money through Luke's retirement account. It was quite a blow, to have to use the money that Luke had managed to aquire, little by little, over many years, to bail out Jake, yet again.
Luke left the bank that day with a heavy heart, but also with a new attitude, concerning Jake. Sam had been right all along and they had treated her as the child in the wrong, welcoming Jake back to the ranch with a free hand to destroy what they had built. Sam, the child that always tried to get along...and they had treated her so badly, she wanted to leave the ranch to be away from Jake. She was as responsible as Luke for taking the ranch to the level it had reached anyway, not Jake. Luke had to take a long hard look back at himself and the way he had depended on Sam, not Jake, to make the ranch a success. How stupid could one man be, he had asked himself over and over since that day. He had taken her for granted her entire life, and she kept giving and giving, with little given in return. They had expected so much from her, with little thought to how her life should be growing.
Luke worried that he had a much harder job in front of him, convincing Robbie how things stood, than he did with Sam. Robbie had taught herself to give in to Jake so everything would go along, without more trouble. But if you told Jake no, he would make life miserable for all of those around him, to the point they never knew what he would do. Luke had been right, Robbie was hard to convince, but Jake actually took care of that for him, as it turned out. When Luke confronted Jake about the missing money, the same day that Bubba had brought the check to the house, Jake flew into a rage. A rage the likes they had never witnessed before. Robbie was scared to death, as Jake loomed overtop of Luke with his fist ready to take aim at Luke. Jake was so red in the face, Luke was afraid his son would have a stroke, more than he was afraid for himself. As the situation became intolerable for Robbie to watch, she finally realized that Jake was out of control. She stepped in between them, trying to calm Jake down and he shoved her down to the floor, hard. At that point, Luke shot a right to Jake's jaw and knocked him over into the chair. Unable to keep his balance from the surprise of Luke's fist, Jake hit the floor hard, with Luke quickly standing over him, daring him to continue his behavior and ready to protect his wife again, with both fists ready.
Jake looked over at his mother, lying on the floor on the other side of the kitchen and was horrified at what he had done, as though he had just woken up from a bad dream. He had come close many times before, but had never laid a hand on her. He put one hand up, "I'm done Dad. I can't believe I actually.. wanted to hit you. I'm sorry..Mom..." Luke stepped back and told him, more firmly than he ever had, "Sorry won't do it this time Jake. You have to get some help, real help. We can't continue to enable you any longer, you have to find another place to be." Sam had come in just as the words came from her dad's lips. She stood still and held her hands on Lily's shoulder to keep her still. Luke reached over and helped Robbie to her feet. Jake was up on his feet by then and hung his head, holding onto the chair in front of him, "I'm sorry everyone." He looked at Lily, "You belong here more than me Lily. I'm.. sorry I..was so mean." He headed for the door and Sam moved to let him pass.
Luke called out to him, "Jake! Wait, I'll be going with you, wherever you choose, to get help. Today, now." Jake turned to his father, "Dad.." Luke stepped toward him, "I mean it Jake. If you don't find some help today, right now, I will press charges against you for stealing the money, then you will go somewhere, jail." Sam gasped and looked at Robbie. Robbie went to her husband and stood with him, "Your Dad is right Jake, we'll both press charges, together. I may not have stood up to you before, from fear, but I'm not afraid anymore." Jake and Sam both stared at their parents in disbelief. "Today Jake." Robbie said again with more passion than Sam had ever heard from her mother.
"Sit down Jake, Lily go to your room and play honey." Sam was in motion and in get it done mode now. She picked up the phone and called the Sheriffs office to find out where they should take Jake, immediately, explaining how vital it was. She wrote down the information and handed it to Luke. He made the call and they were gone in ten minutes, to the hospital, Luke and Jake alone. Luke had made sure that Jake was admitted and then headed straight for home. It wasn't meant for Luke to return home today, however. After making sure his son was taken care of one last time, Luke suffered a massive heart attack, two miles from home, running his truck off the road down an embankment. He died there in his truck, his hands still clenching the steering wheel, as if trying to stop the inevitable reality, that he faced alone. The truck didn't crash hard, it just stopped, as if at the end of it's travels.
Sam and Robbie had started dinner and Lily was standing in her chair at the sink, peeling potatoes, when the deputy knocked on the door. Robbie wiped her hands on the towel hanging on her shoulder and opened the door. The deputy hung his head down and took off his hat, "Mam, I'm sorry, but I've got some bad news. Sam and Lily stood silent and still, waiting for him to continue, yet not wanting to hear what they feared. Robbie grabbed the door for support as the deputy told her of Luke's death. She fell to the floor as the deputy reached out and held onto her, breaking her fall. Sam flew to her mother's side and held onto to her, there in the middle of the doorway, rocking her back and fourth as Robbie sobbed into her dish towel. Silent tears flowed down Sam's cheeks. Lily still stood in the chair, unable to move, her huge eyes taking it all in.
After what seemed like hours, Sam helped her mother to the chair. "Mom, I'm going to call Tim." Robbie nodded and laid her head down on the table. Sam motioned for Lily to get down from the chair and hugged her tightly. "Honey, Grampy won't be coming home today." Lily looked straight into her eyes, "He died, didn't he? Like my parents." There was no emotion in her voice as she said the dreaded words out loud. Numbness had taken hold of Sam and she wanted to just cry or scream, but she had to help this child understand. "Yes honey, like them. But I'm not going anywhere. You and I are just fine, ok?" Lily nodded and hugged her, then she went to Robbie and crawled onto her lap, "We're here Nana. We're here." She soothed Robbie and rubbed her back, the way they did for her, when she was hurt. Robbie looked up at Sam and smiled, stroking Lily's hair, allowing the words of this small child to soften her pain.
Sam called Tim as she thanked the officer and took down the information they would need to take care of Luke. Sam had never in her whole life lost someone. She went about the motions of doing the things that had to be done without feeling, just a numbness that seemed to cloak her body. She just wanted to be done with those things, so she could find a place to be alone and hide from it, she wanted to undo the last hour and make it go away. Her mind was screaming at her to hurry up!! But her body was still there in the kitchen with the phone in her hand, waiting for the constant ringing to stop. Tim wasn't answering and Sam was suddenly overwhelmed. She couldn't do this, she couldn't take care of her mother and..Tim walked in the door and went to his mother. Sam dropped the phone to the floor, letting it continue ringing and went to them. They huddled in the middle of the kitchen, crying and holding each other for some time. When they finally broke apart, wiping their tears and trying to comprehend the reality that Luke wouldn't be walking in the door the way he did each day, a flood of neighbors came through it. All of them concerned and unbelieving that Luke could be gone. Their intentions were only of kindness and concern, but it was too much for Sam as she nodded and smiled, asking herself the whole time, why did she have to smile, why were her lips forming a smile when all she wanted to do was scream?
One of the neighbors had heard the news on the police scanner and it had spread quickly from there. Luke was a truly loved neighbor and so was Robbie, that's why they all came so quickly, they just cared and felt the need to help. Sam didn't know what to do with all these people and snuck away through the front door, out to the barn. She went to the very last stall and sat on a bale of straw, hoping no one would look for her. The tears and wrenching pain came from her like a flood, leaving her limp and unable to breath. Tim found her there, crumpled over the bale and holding onto it. He held onto her as she cried some more, finally letting all the years of tears that had been held at bay, to fall from her.
"You gonna be ok?" Tim asked tentatively. Sam nodded and told him she was sorry. "Hey, don't be sorry, I feel the same way..maybe not the same. I just got him back in my life and now..." He stopped, choked up and was unable to say anymore. Sam hugged him and they walked back to the house arm in arm, not wanting to go back there yet, but knowing they needed to be there to support Robbie. Lily saw them coming from the window and ran to Sam, jumping into her arms, "What am I going to do if you ever get too big for my arms?" Sam laughed. Lily smiled and reached out for Tim too, including him in her hugs, lifting some of the grief they felt.
The funeral was held two days later at their church. Sam felt as if she were in a movie theatre, watching it unfold around her, not really being in the reality of what was happening around her, but as an onlooker, on this the final day, the last time he would be closeby. They would put her father in the ground today and she would never be able to tell him how much she loved him. She had let all the days go by, without telling him. An emptiness filled her as she made her mind go blank now, right in the middle of this..thing, going on around her. Sam hated it, the funeral. She just wanted to be alone. She could feel her mother sitting beside her and Tim on the other side, but she couldn't really focus, as the room began to blur in front of her. Sam felt her limbs go limp and stared at her hands, trying to bend them to her face to wipe the tears that wouldn't obey her command to stop, but her hands wouldn't move. They were dead too, like her father. Her hands..wouldn't move..
Then she felt the tiny hand on hers, covering up the blurred image of her own hand with the tiny tanned one of her child. Lily had felt Sam's pain and leaned into her, to comfort her. Sam felt the blood rushing back into her body, giving it life again through the love from this child. She took a deep breath and put her arm around Lily, gaining strength from her.
Realizing that her own child had known how to give her strength and love, she put the other arm around her mother, pulling her close.
Chapter Nine
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