Daddy In My Heart

　
Awakened by a light on my face, I rub my eyes and turn to see the moonlight shining through the window, almost like a beacon guiding me to it. Going to the window to be sure it's only the moon, a cloud passes over it and shutters the bright light for a moment. Fully awake now, I lean against the window sill and wait for that glorious round beacon to come from behind the cloud again.

Slowly the cloud dissipates and leaves behind threads of the hazy mist, gently covering it and taking the brightness away. It's still full and round, but the misty threads make it seem further away now. Fully awake with no desire to go back to bed, I make coffee and sit on the porch to watch, as it takes on a pale yellow color and seems to send me a message of quietude in the last moments of darkness before the day begins.

Slowly the moon moves further away and floats into daylight with it's graceful departure. A smile crosses my face as I think about the coming day. Today is Father's Day. A day that comes once a year and is celebrated by families with food and laughter and gifts. Gifts that have been given such loving thought, so that Dad's will be delighted with them. Fun gifts that bring smiles to them as they open the brightly wrapped packages and thoughtful of things he will like. Daddy's favorite cake is baked with loving hands and delight, knowing how much he will love it. The grill will be loaded with his most favorite foods, cooked to perfection or burned to a crisp, with laughter and chiding! The table will be laid with bright cloths and napkins, with beautiful paper plates to fly off in the wind and quickly picked up by the children running around the yard to catch them in time.
The children all running and playing with shrieks of laughter and the frisbee landing on top of the cake! What fun to be had as the day approaches with the sun rising high in the sky.

I am reminded that the hands I use to form my dough today, were so lovingly held by my Dad. The warmth is still there after these many years. He has been gone for such a long time and yet, I think of him every day as I make my way through all the chores and through the years. He taught me how to hold a saw and use it correctly, as together we made new steps for the house. We didn't have a shop to work in, so we used the dining room table. I will never forget the look on his face when we realized that we had cut a V, right into the table. That was the day I learned how to laugh at myself, because he taught me by example. We looked at each other and slowly the smile came.. and then the laughter. I waited for his reaction as I touched the freshly cut space in the table, wondering....When he began to smile, so did I. I followed his lead and learned that day, that mistakes happen. Over the years, long after he was gone, I could touch that spot in the table and feel the memory as fresh as the day it happened.

As I have gone through life using my hands to fix or make so many things, I know how blessed I am to have my daddy in me. He guides me through, still today. He gave me the tools to know that I can..do anything I set my mind to. He gave to me the talents to use my mind and hands in unison, perhaps not always satisfied with the results, but giving it my best. He taught me well.

Of course one look from him, without any words from, would tell me I was close to the edge and needed to correct my behavior, fast! That lesson was learned at an early age. I never wanted to disappoint him and try still today, to live in a way that would make him proud. Whenever a new project is completed, I think of him and wonder what he would think of me. I can just see his smile and his green eyes sparkling with humor.

In his later years, he learned that he loved to cook. I have to laugh when I think of that, because I was no longer there to cook for him. I had left home and taken that talent with me, leaving him to take on most of the cooking himself. He was so proud one day when he made Jambalaya, anxious for me to taste it and approve. I did!
How times had changed while I was away. 

Daddy always went to the meat market on Thursdays. Whenever I could join him for lunch on those days, taking time off from work, we would enjoy the deviled crabs that he would buy as a treat. I buy them today with that special memory, allowing me to enjoy them one more time.

I look in the mirror and see myself and my Dad, blended together with expressions and coloring. I'm so glad to see those things in me, to have and to hold forever. His gentle manner always amazed me. I wish that I had inherited that too, but my temper seems to have come from somewhere else. Although, control has finally been achieved in this life I live, without him around.
How I wish I could talk him today and feel his hand in mine, once again..