Choosing Your Destiny

　

Getting married can in itself be a traumatizing time. Getting to know the families after the marriage and how they work together for different reasons, can be equally traumatizing for some, like me. Learning how to take the words of a new family member, can be either frightening or confusing, depending on the level of control the new family must have over you. Now, there are families that leave you alone to find your way in your new life, because they have a life. They don't need yours. In others, gaining control and keeping it, are a must.

Now, control, sounds a bit strong, but the reality is truly an issue for a new family member, say a young woman. A young woman unsure what her role will be among this large family of diverse ages. The oldest female is usually the controlling member of such a group, however, somtimes the personality of a younger member can rise above all the older siblings, and pounce like a cat, on anyone threatening to take away the power of the loudest voice, namely her.

The sound of a voice can be inviting, or on the other hand make you tremble in fear, not knowing what that voice has in mind for you personally. Sometimes the smile on the face of that voice can be equally fearsome, again, not knowing what lies behind that smile on any given day. Sometimes, it's just a smile, other times it could be the smile behind a plot, to make you do something for them that you never saw coming. You are beginning to see some light now, wary of that smile and knowing you must hide when she spies you in a crowd. Never make eye contact, once you have made eye contact you're caught! No where to run then, the bathroom is at the other end of the house and the backdoor is blocked by the larger members of the family. It begins to appear to you, in your mind, that everyone in the room is dressed in camo gear. A military regime is surrounding you, and they all have the same last name as you do now. You imagine the window has an escape ladder attached to it, as you see her making her way toward you, no where to run and bodies are blocking the fox hole. Suddenly, she has her hand on your arm, you can't breath, and you try with all your might to not make eye contact, looking down at the floor as she is yelling in your ear. She yells louder as you make no indication that you have heard what she said. Oh no, your eyes are going up and...you make contact. The breath is hung in your body and you can't breath. Her grip is tightening on your arm now, you won't get away. She has you in the snare, you are newest member of the family, and don't know all her tricks, so she thinks.

Time is usually the only education on this phenomenon. Now, I call it that because it seems to actually be a phenomenon, cropping up in not all, but some families. There is always one dominant member of the family, more often than not a female member. Now, this dominance factor can be very stealthy, creeping up when you least expect it, and taking you so much by surprise, that you have gotten caught up in a project for this all powerful person again, and you have no idea how you agreed to it. Or did you? Did you really agree, or were you told, ever so sweetly and not knowing that you were agreeing until they were gone, leaving you in wonderment of how it happened at all .

Oh, agreeing to a project is the very least of it, by the time it's all done and presented to her for inspection, it suddenly belongs to her. She has taken possession of your work, and now owns it too. The project, being presented at a family and friends function has become the topic of conversation. You are beginning to feel those warm feelings of appreciation, feeding your ego just a little and a slightly embarrassed smile begins to increase the size of your mouth, when you hear her taking credit for it. What?! What just happened? Of course it is disguised by her touching comments of how long it took, and she didn't have any idea it would turn out so wonderful, but all the while, eliminating any reference to you. Now, by eliminating you, she has taken possession of it.

Your eyes widen, and you realize you have been taken advantage of, not only in the initial assembling of your talents to do the project, but now in the obvious and blatant, taking credit for your hard work as well. She makes sure while speaking about this, to never turn in your direction, as a matter of fact, you do not exsist. As you watch this taking place in front of you, your mind starts to remember other occasions when you have been forced, not realizing it at the time of course, to participate in making a hero out this person. This person thrives on self importance, and works quite hard to make this her lifes work. Of course it is well disguised, with the good works that she does all the time for others less fortunate than she, by gathering people like you to do the work, while she takes the credit and builds her portfolio in the eyes of all those who adore her.

You are now beginning to be among those that don't exactly adore her, but are stuck in that familiar family position now, of keeping the peace. Yes, keeping the peace becomes your job, not hers, oh no, she is the martyr of the family. It would never be perceived that she could be responsible for any discord, no, that becomes your new mantra. Yea, go ahead and try to to tell them how things really are, go ahead. That would turn out like a national backfire, and spread thoughout the community like wildfire, dipicting you as the family member always trying to disrupt the unity among the family.
You are stuck. Stuck like gum on a sidewalk, people just walking all over you, all the time. Stuck tight!

There's nothing you can do, so don't even think about it. She has worked far longer and harder than you at this, you don't stand a chance of winning. Winning? Is that what you need, to win over her? Make her look bad and you look good and take the credit you so deserve? Really? Alright, if you must make an attempt at it, I will tell you a secret. It won't bring you rave reviews or accolades and applause.... or it just might... What it will do is, give you a little secret satisfaction. Just a tad, enough to hold on to, and take with you every time there is a function. Now, this is for those that always get the last pick, or no choice at all, of what type of dish they are supposed to bring to a function. You know, the others get all the good stuff, the things that you are really good at making, and you get left with....crackers. Leaving you looking as if you didn't care enough to make the effort with a real dish, which was the plan of course, to leave you looking inept.

Ok, now before I tell you how, I just have to tell you, that this will not be forgotten. It will stick to you forever, remembered by all who attend, and some that didn't. How it is remembered, remains to be seen, by the indiviuals who attend, and whether they can take a joke or not. I must also say, I didn't apprciate a good joke nearly as much as a young woman. I had to become a full fledged woman first, and this was the path to that accomplishment. I now have a voice, although, sometimes it's just that little inner voice, that talks to you while you are listening to the droning of those that would abuse your talents, or leave you out in order to further their own agenda.


I decided to make a pie, instead of crackers, to take to the next family function, a beautiful, lovely pie.
It truly was the most lovely pie you would ever see, with cut out leaves and a golden flaky crust. The crust had been brushed with egg yolk and water. It was perfect. Laid in the middle of the rest of the pies on the dessert table, that were brought that day, it stood out as the one you most wanted to try. The ooo's and ahh's were said by all, and as each person asked what kind it was, I told them it was a surprise, and smiled brightly, leaving them all still wondering what kind of pie it was. I was ready today, no nerves of noodles or nausea. Of course, everyone there had eaten my cooking at one time or another, and they were looking forward to this surprise pie, sitting in the center of all the others, and shining brighter than all the rest. Oh yes, that was by design as well. I placed that pie there all by myself, and as I did, I began to feel taller.

Well, before everyone was done with the main meal, one family member could stand it no longer, he had to have a slice of that pie. He asked his wife to cut him a slice, and she looked at me as if asking permission. Of course, my nod said to her. He actually leaned over the pie as he took his fork and cut off the first bite.
He went in for another forkful, but he slowed his chewing and began to roll that bite of pie around in his mouth. He looked over at me with a deep crevice in his brow, and asked what kind of pie it was. His lip was turning in an odd way, and he appeared as though he was extremely upset by the taste in his mouth.
I sweetly smiled and looked at him, telling him it was...Sauercraut Pie. He dropped his fork and spit the mouthful in his napkin. Everyone else in the room roared with laughter, as did I.

You know, from that time on, I was always asked if I had a favorite dish I would like to bring to those functions. I had chosen my destiny.