Now I See

 　
Watching the young mother talking to her friend sitting on the bleachers at the game...seems like just yesterday that was me. She is brushing her children away as they try to get her attention, go play, oh if she only knew...if I could only tell her what lies in store, and how fast the time will go.


I seem to have advice, really good advice in great quantities these days. Meaning that I have lived the most I am going to, the rest is so much shorter than before, so I should have learned a few things, and I have. If I could only tell them what they are missing, whether they know it or not!! Could they listen and hear....maybe not.
The young mother in the store that has to keep shushing her kids, and saying in a much too loud voice..NO!  How much easier would it be to let the child understand in a quiet voice, before they go in, what they will be allowed and nothing more. Well....easy for me...I get to look at it from a whole new window...been there done that, before.

I have worked with kids, my own and others, for many years in different aspects. Coaching, teaching and parenting. Notice how I listed "parenting" last. Well, there is good reason for that. I have reached the age in life that I now list things in their proper order. I didn't always parent when it was needed, or correctly...but I can only see that now, now that I am in the last chunk of life. I think we live life in chunks, child....young adult....older than young adult...age of remembrance....

Not at all to say I wasn't a good parent, but I am sorry that I lost some of the moments that could have saved my children some wear and tear, and given to me a much loved memory. Children give us so much more than we could ever give to them. Such is the journey for parents, win some lose some. If we can learn to be patient, we win so much more, but as young parents we seem to need to run full blast all the time. Where are we going so fast we burn up the energy we could have saved for our little ones. How do we know.....when do we see...ahh, a little later for me.

If we could remember to look back at ourselves on a regular basis..say..every 3 years, what would we see? Certainly not the same person. My goodness! If in 3 years we didn't grow at least a little more than before, we would become wooden walking dummies. ( I feel like a dummy on a regular basis, and that has become ok with age, I don't mind because it only matters to me) But if we could see, really see how important the moments are, we would take them and hold onto to them for dear life, making them last until we must let go.


How I would love to have some of those moments back again, and read one more story, or play one more game. What was so important that I couldn't take a few more minutes with my sons, to read a little longer and hold them close, I can't remember. I think I told myself that I had so much to do, I could only stay a little while, snuggled up next to them, their sweet smiles next to my cheek. Their precious little hands quiet and still, laying next to me with their hair reaching my nose and smelling of honeysuckle and childhood.
So many things to interfere, important things? Probably not, I think now. I could have stayed a little while longer, and captured more of the moments that would slip by me so fast, pressed into my heart as if they were flowers in a book. I wish I had....I wish I could.


Now my grandson snuggles next to me, waiting for the story or the book, with sweet anticipation. When he brings me the book with hope in his eyes, I see it, and I have the time. Not because I am older, but because I am wiser. I know now, that he will grow before my eyes and no longer need me to read to him, or tell him a story that he plays the main character in. How easy it is to give a child a feeling of importance, by placing them into a story to make them feel special. Hearing their name, their little eyes shine with the feelings you give to them, and they snuggle a little closer, loving you more. I savor these moments now, and try to hold onto them, just a little longer. This is truly why grandparents allow the children to stay up later, to hold them a little longer and remember when it was their parent you held, just a little while ago.

This only proves to me how valuable a journal would have been. I actually started one once. I didn't have the time, make the time...what was it actually? I think now, I might not have liked the moment I was in, so I didn't want to see it again. What I saw, I chose not to see, because it was in such a learning stage of life for me, and not having the good sense to allow it to teach me in time, I let it go. Was I stubborn or busy, or did I not have a clue, not willing to admit that I knew, time would fly like the wind....tomorrow... I would do better and make more time tomorrow....and the years went by.

Maybe my job isn't done yet, and I still have time, to give some advice... for the moments. Take a longer look, and be very still, as if trying to catch a butterfly...look in their eyes and hold on tight, you only get the borrowed moments...for a little while.
Did I make enough time, for the moments to count, or did I let them melt into the years? I have many moments I hold dear, I still want them all...just a little longer, next to my cheek...
Those precious hands so soft and sweet, right after a bath..they have grown much larger now and belong to a man. As they reach for their own child...and I watch and see, a father's love, much like me.